Treatment seems to be well as I have made a lot of progress and seem to be doing well and handling things a lot better. I have learned several coping skills that I use daily in my new routines and practice them every day. I am better able to cope with the divorce and manage things better that have been done to me. Tomorrow I go to trauma therapy to work on 5 situations from the divorce that they suspect have caused me significant trauma. 3 are direct situations my ex-wife has done two me and two situations with my daughter. I was told that this will be painful as I will basically have to relive the situations. The process is to retrain my brain and flip the switch on these thoughts. I am not really looking forward to this as I know its going to be painful. I have some reoccurring nightmares that bother me as well that he wants to attack. One is my daughter is always in the corner of the room crying because she is sad because she misses me. I can see and here her but I am unable to get her or reach out to her. This has been reoccurring for a while now. Its not night terrors but they are nightmares I wake up from feeling sad, helpless, powerless, and depressed over.
The biggest thing that bothers me is that my child is already predisposed to a lot of things because of the divorce. I have read a few things in psychology today about toddlers and divorce. Toddlers are susceptible to separation anxiety, fear, mistrust, temper tantrums, insecurity, and even abandonment issues. Although they are toddlers and are very young, they still are able to start understanding and feel these emotions. Toddlers can also become confused if the father or mother are in different relationships with people. Toddlers can become confused and can develop a sense of misunderstanding, attachment, abandonment, detachment, and even trust issues. When I get back to Tucson the judge wants me to be reintroduced by a play therapist. She had mentioned that it may be hard for my daughter since I have been away (not of my choosing) for almost a year. At first I was upset and did not understand why. Now since I have been researching toddlers and divorce as well as speaking about it in a lot of my therapy and group sessions, I understand why. These are things I never wanted for my child but unfortunately she is going to be brought up this way. For myself its important for her mother and I to establish a healthy friendship as well as co parents so the chances of these behaviors and emotions can lesson. This has ways to go. Once back to Tucson we will be going back to mediation for parenting time. Last time it did not work. I am hoping this time it will work and the communication lines will be open. This is something I worry and stress about each day. I worry about the divorce and how its affecting my child as she has been put in a predisposed situation.
For myself I had to find treatment as my anxiety was out of control. Since About the second week here I have been able to manage it a lot better. I have learned the 3 different minds and how to reason thought patterns. I know longer allow my emotions to rule me and if I catch them, I am able to stop and reprocess with my logical mind. The suicidal idealizations went away after day one. They started as I was being threatened a lot, not getting along with family, and facing homelessness again. As soon as I was out of the situation and since have figured out housing for now, these thoughts went away. Overall I am feeling pretty good. This being said I still have bad days and some painful moments as we all do. I am also aware its ok to feel how I feel no matter how good or bad, its managing these emotions that’s important.
I am at treatment and lab time is over. Wanted to share to help vent as well as raise some awareness and maybe even get some feedback of how to be strong for my child as she means the world to me and will always be my number one inspiration.
Jason aka scoops777