Loss and Self

Loss is a part of life we all have to go through. yesterday in our grief/recovery group we had to make a timeline of all our loses in life. A loss can be a pet, loved one, losing something of value, health, marriage etc….

Subject was heavy for a lot even myself but I always share. Myself I had already been having an “off” couple days. Not many dry eyes in the group as its very painful to see it on paper as well as cope.

After looking over my timeline I have had many major losses in my life have affected me in many ways and contributed to reasons why I get paranoid of death and love as well as forming new relationships and friendships.

When I was a small child around age 5 I experienced the loss of my grandmother whom I was very close to. I remember my parents taking me into their room to tell me the unfortunate news. I didn’t understand but I new she was gone and I cried and cried . Later I experienced my first funeral. I remember seeing her in the casket, giving her a kiss, and saying goodbye for the last time.

When I was in the 4th or 5th grade !y father had a stroke. I remember that night he was vomiting really bad and had vision issues as well as numbness and loss of function to his left side. The ambulance came and I was scared and hid under my bed. The next day daddy wasn’t home and we went to see him in the hospital. He couldn’t move his left side and had speech issues that prevented him from speaking or communicating like the rest of us would. My mother told me he had a stroke. I did not understand this as I was to small but I started to experience fear, worry, and sadness. This has shapes in a lot of ways and led to many years of physical therapy for my dad. In my teens once I was able to drive I would take him to physical therapy and help hi! at home with exercises. This has shaped a lot of my fears and excessive worry I face today.

Later throughout life I experienced my first loss of a pet. My dogs name was cinnamon and she was an amazing chocolate lab. I experienced the unexpected loss of highschool friend while we were in highschool. Friends went to the mall to come back and find Jimmy dead. I’m still not sure other cause but this hit a lot of us hard and was an overwhelmingly large funeral and service. I attended the viewing but not funeral. Shortly later I loss my other grandparents as well.

In my early mid 30’s I lost 3 friends to heroin overdoses as well as more recently two friends to Suicide. I don’t see them as weak as many view suicide. I see them as strong fighting demons many don’t understand. About a month before I came to treatment I lost a friend to another unexpected death that was deemed natural causes. He was a comedian and DJ who loved music and making people laugh. He always spoke highly of me and would always give me shout outs at his shows. I am still not over this. I woke up and saw it on Facebook and instantly freaked out. Left the house to go to where he hung out and sadly it was real. I still struggle with this recent loss. He always cracked me up and pulled me out of emotional funks. He was always lifting people spirits.

Most tragic loss that I still haven’t healed from was the loss of myself to opiate addiction as well as my marriage due to the drug addiction. I no longer take all blame as I used to and able to see some faults of the other side. Not only did I lose the Love of my life, I lost my best friend as well, my house, my car, and also trust. Once legally separated my ex wife already had a boyfriend and cheated on me. Most view this as cheating that I have discussed this with as we were Christians under Gods law. This is where my trust issues come from. Til this day I still feel like I was cheated on and am not sure I will ever get over it. I have had a few chances getting close to a few women but backed up when it got to close or serious and left. I have trust issues and feel like if I get close to anyone they will just leave or hurt me anyway.

Most recently I lost my mental health and self control due to anxiety and fear. Fearful of everything and being back on the streets because I was running into family problems. I was no longer able to hold a job cause I couldn’t focus, was always wording, not finishes projects I would start and my mind was constantly running. These fears and anxieties were causing me to feel very suicidal as I couldn’t see another good day ahead. All I was seeing was fear and pain. For these reasons I reached out for myself for help cause I didn’t want my life to end because I have a beautiful little girl who means the world to me. I think this is what pulled me out of my suicidal ideations.

Since I have been in treatment I have been able to pinpoint a lot of this as well as understand reasons why I think and act the way I do. I still have fear of death and loss as well as trust issues that stop me from forming any close relationship but I hope in time I may be able to form a close relationship and not let these fears get in the way.

Much Love
Jason aka Scoops777

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s