Last few days have been a little stressful and I have had moments of feeling depressed. I learned its OK to feel this way as we all have our bad days, even those that don’t deal with mental Illness. My treatment is starting to not go as promised. I see this with other patients and tried not to judge but now I have my own reason to be upset with a few things. I was promised before I got here I would be screened for an eating disorder as well as neurofeedback therapy. Its been 3 weeks and I still have not received one appointment. I have filed a complaint several times and they still wont respond. I was specifically told by my “therapist” that the eating disorder doctor said he will not be speaking with me as its only for females, not males. I said that is sexist and a bunch of bullshit. They can screen me to check and if they wont treat me I can get treated somewhere else when I leave. I do still think it is related to anxiety and stress. I was promised 2 therapy sessions a week along with 1 psychiatrist appointment. I have only been getting 1 therapy session a week and my therapist said “sorry I have to many patients and our sessions may be shorter as well.” I said this is not acceptable and if you have to many patients then you need to make your day longer, not shorten our promised sessions as they are making close to $3000 a day off each patient. Don’t quote me on that, that’s just what I heard. Now what has worked the best and is most beneficial is the group sessions as well as being with the other patients at our group home. I have learned the most from everyone else as well as sharing our stories and being there for each other.
I have also learned as I believe I may have said before I have not forgiven myself for my opiate addiction that was a major factor in destroying my marriage. Even now when I discuss it I break down a bit. I look back and it upsets me so much and makes me so pissed at myself. I believe I didn’t have control and my awareness wasn’t there, but I don’t see this as an excuse. I do think in time I may be able to forgive myself, but its the one thing inside I struggle with the most.
I have spoken about forgiveness and unconditional Love and it was explained this way in therapy to me which makes sense and is easy to understand. When you truly have that Love or Unconditional Love its like having your hand open with bird seed, allowing that bird to come and go as it pleases without losing that love or judging the coming and going. This is Unconditional Love. Whether the person needs you at the moment or not, whether they want to see you then or later, whether they have hurt you or forgiven you, your heart will always be open for them. I deep down truly believe this is unconditional Love and is a great explanation.
Much Love to you all,
Jason aka scoops777